Obama Pardons DC Sniper Ahead of Inauguration

WASHINGTON — President Obama has commuted the sentence of Lee Boyd Malvo. The now 31 year old serial sniper was sentenced to life in prison for his role in the DC Sniper attacks of 2002. Malvo, who was only 17 at the time of the attacks, were carried out with John Allen Muhammed and were responsible for the deaths of ten people.

This is “unpresidented,” as never before has a life sentence for a convicted serial killer been commuted by a president at the end of his term. What’s more — the president rushed the release of Malvo so that he will be released from prison before the inauguration Friday morning.

Malvo will be released Friday, January 20th at 6am from Greensville Correctional Center, in Greensville County, Virginia. The correctional facility is only a 3 hour drive from Washington DC, which makes many question the real reason President Obama rushed the release of the DC sniper. When reached for comment, the president’s top press aide said, “I guess you could say it was important for President Obama to ‘Do the right thing’ for America.”.

I know it’s cliche, but I only know one thing to say #ThanksObama!  

Nation Relieved Trump VP Pick Not Stupid as Shit

The nation was surprised to learn Donald Trump, the presumptive GOP nominee for this year’s presidential election, did not pick someone really, really stupid to be his running mate. “Mike Pence?” the nation asked. “Who is that?” Upon learning Mr. Pence is the governor of the state of Indiana, the nation shrugged.

Kolle_TrumpPenceThe Rocket Wrangler spoke to Dr. Jim Black, a political science professor at Calhoun Community College, for his thoughts. “Well, I must admit I was very surprised when I heard,” Dr. Black said. “On the one hand, I doubt this selection makes people who were undecided about Mr. Trump more willing to vote for him. But on the other hand, this is not the worst choice Mr. Trump could have made. He could have chosen Newt Gengrich, a man who promised to build a moon base by the end of his second term in office, or Chris Christie, who is fat. I have makes I guess the stress of campaigning has gotten to Trump and he is making sensible decisions.” Dr. Black continued. “There was a betting pool in the office, and Kim Kardashian was leading it, followed closely by Kanye West. Thankfully, we will not get to see that.” Still, if Trump wins in November, look for Secretary of Education Kim Kardashian and Secretary of Defense Kanye West!


Huntsville Fatass Hates Tucked Shirt Tails

A supply chain management employee for Redstone Arsenal would really like to go about his day with an untucked shirt tail, The Rocket Wrangler can report. “I really need a way to conceal the fact my midsection goes on for much longer than people,” Butch Michaels, 34, says.

Kolle_Fat Men Shirt Tails“For too long, I have been required to look even more ridiculous than I already am,” laments Michaels, a man who is closer to 400 pounds than 390. Butch was dressed in a blue dress shirt as wide as it is tall, complete with a tie that was still several inches above his belt buckle, complimented with a tie knot the size of a fingernail. “Look at me! I look like a condom filled with cottage cheese!”

When asked why he dresses this way, Michaels responded.  “My boss says this look is professional, but he needs to check his skinny privilege. The bastard can tie his shoes without using a chair.”

Nation Still Not Tired of Gun Violence, Thank You

In the wake of the nation’s worst mass shooting ever that killed at least 50 people and injured at least 50 more at a gay nightclub in Orlando, the United States announced that it is being tired of being on the receiving end of another lecture about gun violence, and is tired of hearing about it, thank you very much.

Image via US Magazine
Image via US Magazine

“Just stop,” began the nation. “We get it. No one should be senselessly shot down as they are going about their night, and our heart aches for the victims of this unspeakably despicable attack. Our thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends and everyone else affected by this awful attack. We will recover from this attack stronger and more resilient than ever before.” Then the nation took a deep sigh and continued speaking. “But listen, we are getting tired of being lectured and being talked down to every single time shit like this happens, all right? Christ, leave us alone, will you? If we gave a fuck, you would know. When we start giving one, believe me, you will be the first to know.” Then the nation excused itself to go watch basketball and bitch about comic book movies.

Sun Cannot Deal With Earth’s Stupidity

The sun, the center of our Solar System and the most important source of energy for all life on Earth, is reportedly considering expanding into a red giant several billion years ahead of  expectations because the actions of its only planet with life are becoming too stupid to handle.

Kolle_Sun“Ugh,” began the star. “Just…ugh. I mean, really? Really, now.” The massive ball of gas then addressed the citizens of Earth directly.  “Have you taken a good look at yourselves? Do you not realize how fucking stupid you look? I understand it is close to summer in your northern hemisphere. I should introduce your planet to a heat wave you fuckers will not forget… and then you will, because everyone is dead.” The star then laughed manically and noted the resulting red giant will push the habitable zone of the Solar System towards Mars and the Asteroid belt before issuing an ultimatum. “Citizens of Earth, you have one year to get your shit together. I have no confidence that you will do so.”

God Resigns

God, creator of the universe and observer of everything you ever thought, said, or did, has resigned, The Rocket Wrangler can report.

Awiseass_GodThe Almighty’s resignation statement was released through the press office of The Kingdom On High.

“Though it has been my great honor and privilege to create and lord over you, my children, for the last six thousand years, the time has come for me to step down as Supreme Deity because, frankly, I’m sick and tired of you assholes.

“I mean, for the love of fuck, have you ever seen a bigger collection of liars, thieves, fornicators, adulterers, murderers, rapists, punks, pedophiles, sodomites, scoundrels, misfits, psychopaths, sluts, douche bags, and dipshits all on one fucking planet? And to hear you pathetic cunts whining and praying all day and night for me to bail you out and save you from you own fucking stupidity has gotten to be more than I care to deal with. I even had a politician pray for seventeen trillion dollars to pay off the national debt!

“Do what? Do I look like some kind of fucking cosmic ATM? You pissants borrowed the money, you figure out how to pay it back!

“And don’t bother praying anymore because I won’t hear it. Not that I ever listened anyway, but I’m turning off the Galactron Neuro-Synapse Initiator that records everything you peons think.

“And oh by the way, there’s an asteroid heading your way on a collision course, it appears. Big motherfucker. Don’t be expecting me to do anything about it, though. LOL!

“Fuck y’all. G out.”

A press office spokesman declined to take questions.

Madison Mayor Has Solution for City’s Traffic Woes

For some time the city of Madison, Alabama has been plagued by constant traffic issues. The commute time for Madison citizens is very stressful at almost all times during the day, and don’t even think about going down Madison Boulevard or Highway 72 from 4-6pm. Drivers of Madison have been complaining about this issue for some time, and after heading the complaints Mayor Troy Trulock agreed something had to be done. In a press conference today, Mr. Trulock said he has come to a solution to fix his city’s transportation problems.

Whitey_JumpsReporters asked if he planned on building new roads or have a better way to engineer the roads. “We will be building no new roads at this time. They are not the solution and cost too much money and make too much sense.” Then reporters asked Trulock what his solution was. The mayor stood silently for several moments before yelling “FUCKIN’ JUMPS!” Every reporter in the room stood dumbfounded in stunned silence.

One reporter shook her head out of her stupor and simply asked “Jumps?”

Trulock said “Yep…fucking jumps! Everyone has been complaining about traffic and how traffic is boring and slow. Well, good people of Madison, your mayor has heard you and I will be installing fucking jumps at all the major intersections. Think about it. You are running late…well, shit, get in the jump lane, speed up, and fly your ass on in to being on time!”

The reporters murmured amongst themselves before one asked “What about safety? Aren’t you worried about safety? This sounds very dangerous.”

Trulock yelled “Someone get this safety patrol pussy out of this room! I ain’t worried ’bout no safety. This plan is fool proof!”

The mayor went on to give a few locations to where the fucking jumps would be installed, with one being at the intersection Madison Boulevard and Sullivan Street, with another fucking jump being installed at the end of Slaughter Road onto Interstate 565. This may not be the best idea for traffic in Madison, but at least the mayor is taking action.

Lucifer Upset with Comparison to Ted Cruz

Lucifer, the fallen angel of darkness, and bringer of death and destruction, announced at a hastily put-together press conference yesterday afternoon that he resents being compared to Ted Cruz. Lucifer’s comments were in response to former Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner saying 2016 GOP presidential nominee Ted Cruz was “Lucifer in the flesh” in an interview with The Stanford Daily, the university’s student newspaper.

Kolle_LuciferFlanked by his most trusted advisors, among them being Adolf Hitler and most of the Popes that served during the Middle Ages, Lucifer began speaking. “I prefer to think of myself as Ted Cruz in spirit,” the Tempter of Mankind said. “Seriously. Fuck that guy. There are more people on Earth that like me more than Ted Cruz. Shit, I inspired a religious philosophy! I HAVE PEOPLE THAT WORSHIP ME! I HAVE LAID WASTE TO THE CITIES OF MAN! The only thing Ted Cruz has destroyed is any feelings of goodwill anyone may have had for him and not a single asshole worships the prick. There are billions of people on earth, many of whom do not believe in me, but one thing is certain: Even those who do not believe in me know Ted Cruz is the worst everything ever.”

Mr. Lucifer ended his conference by addressing John Boehner directly. “Representative Boehner said Senator Cruz was a ‘miserable son-of-a-bitch,’ but clearly he has not met me yet. Just you wait, Mr. Boehner. Your time is soon. I will be waiting for your arrival. I got something for your ass.”

NRA Shoots Off About Harriet Tubman

The treasury department’s decision to replace the image of President Andrew Jackson on the twenty dollar bill with that of slavery abolitionist, Harriet Tubman, has received praise in many circles but condemnation in one.

Benton_Better 20Wayne La Pierre, president of the National Rifle Association, decried the treasury department move at a recent press conference. “It’s nothing against the Tubman broad,” La Pierre said.  “I mean, we’re for freeing slaves and all.  But to dump Andrew Jackson, the firearm shootingest president ever and replace him with a woman who, as far as we know never even held a gun, is a national disgrace.”

La Pierre was asked what updates should be made to currency. “Why change it at all?” he replied.  “But if you must have a woman on a bill, why not a dame who could handle a gun?   What’s wrong with Annie Oakley or Bonnie Parker?  Now that young lady could take a Thompson submachine gun and hose down a bank lobby in nothing flat!”

“But if we must be redrawing our currency,” La Pierre thundered, “how in the hell is the treasury department missing the obvious?  We need a bill graced with the image of the greatest American of them all, John Browning, designer of the Colt .45 M1911.  Who has done more to bring order to the streets of America than the legendary Mr. Browning?”

La Pierre pulled back his jacket to reveal his own holstered M1911. “When you’re packing this little honey,” he said.  “You’re packing freedom.”

“When I think of my dear dad teaching me to shoot this semi-automatic, magazine-fed, recoil-operated, star-spangled masterpiece, chambered with the hard hitting .45 ACP cartridge, I get a tear in my eye.”