Pepsi-Cola To Release New Flavor This Summer

PepsiCo (NYSE: PEP) announced today the launch of its newest cola. The snack/beverage conglomerate plans to have their new product on the streets by mid-August, with a price point of $7 per 20 oz. bottle. Pepsi has been known to test the market in recent years with attempts at “craft” sodas, many of which never own much of the market place. So it’s no surprise that this new beverage has a steep price tag. But what’s so great about it? It’s Crystal Meth!

CMPEPSI

Pepsi spokesperson Tim Bagwell admits, “We have always had meth in pepsi,” much like its counterpart, Coca-Cola, which had cocaine as its secret ingredient for many years. Mr. Bagwell jokingly said, “The public has been wanting Crystal Pepsi for years, and now they have it… with an added kick!” Crystal Meth Pepsi will contain 10 times more meth than their original formula. There is no word yet on whether or not the new formula will have a blue tint to it, a la Heisenberg. When asked how Pepsi was able to get around FDA restrictions, Bagwell stated, “Oh, they’re all huge meth heads!”

The release of Crystal Meth Pepsi is sure to be a huge hit in certain areas of North Alabama, such as Arab, Grant, and Hazel Green. So we went to the streets and asked some of the residents in those areas what they thought about the Crystal Meth Pepsi release.

Rupert Hornsby, a painter by trade who resides in Hazel Green, AL, had this to say. “Crystal Meth Pepsi? That sounds like it should be a Bloodhound Gang song! Hell yeah I’d drink it!” He then followed it up with a bunch of incoherent gibberish, followed by, “ROLL TIDE!” for good measure.

Heather Titsworth, a CNA from Grant, AL, was extremely excited to hear the news. Her response was priceless, to say the least. “Do you have any on you right now? I’ll have sex with you for half a bottle. Just don’t tell my husband!” I mixed some Drano in a Mountain Dew bottle and shook it up. She didn’t know the difference.

Not every reaction was positive. When David White, an analyst from Arab, AL, was told about the release of Crystal Meth Pepsi, he was outraged. “Damn! Pepsi is gonna put my whole family out of business! What’s next? Wal-Mart gonna start sellin’ Crack Krispy treats?” Now there’s an idea!

Richard Ryder